Elliot Rush deconstructs the news that didn’t quite make the news last week.
It's satire, tread carefully. MORE: Introducing, The Rush Report
Sea cucumbers and niche marketing
The pearl fish lives in the arse of a sea cucumber. You might not have known that.
The ravishing Hermione, who is thin-skinned in such matters, finds it “disgusting”.
The fishy chap in question pokes around until it locates the arse region, then, when the sea cucumber breathes (what, you didn’t know it breathes through its anus?), ‘schlick!’, it bolts inboard in the blink of a proctologist’s eye.
That vacant expression that sea cucumbers carry around is actually a cucumbery way of showing a state of being permanently startled.
We can probably all think of at least one reason why taking up lodgings in an anus is not for everybody. But try telling the pearl fish.
It’s all to do with exploiting a niche, you know, each to their own.
We spoke with head product planner for BMW, Norbert Munchenbierfest.
“We have for a very long time the cars for drivers, the fabulous M3 and M5, sports cars and even for families we have not forgotten with the X5 SUV.
“But something was missing in this picture here. We realised just then five years ago that we didn’t have a car for complete twats,” Mr Munchenbierfest said.
“That was a very serious omission in the model range. But fortunately with the X6 we have now that gap totally plugged.”
Clearly, Mercedes is worried that it has overlooked this niche. Its Concept Coupe SUV - shown in New York and tipped to make it to production - has “twat” written all over it.
These automotive atrocities might not be up your alley but that “I’m-a-total-twat” niche is significant and growing. Best you just look away.
(You also probably wouldn’t choose to live up the arse of a sea cucumber.)
Concept cars and the art of polishing turds
Has anyone else noticed that the total amazingness of concepts shown on the global Auto Show circuit, is inversely proportional to the crap-factor of a given manufacturer’s model range.
Seriously crap cars, seriously fantastic concepts.
(We are putting the finishing touches to a peer-review paper on the issue as we speak.)
It is insidious, it is designed to cloak in a curtain of wondrousness model ranges that buyers would otherwise recognise as filled with arse-biscuits.
Ever since the unveiling of the Chevrolet Tru 140S Concept in 2012 - as if we will ever see a car this shaggable from Chevrolet - the practice has been getting completely out of hand.
As our forthcoming paper on the matter will show, it is a long, long list of shame: every Subaru concept, Nissan IDx Nismo, Honda S660, Suzuki Kizashi 3, Mitsubishi Concept XR-PHEV, 2013 Opel Monza, Ssangyong SIV-1, Porsche Panamera Sport Turismo Concept, plus at least twenty more. Possibly forty.
We spoke to consulting PR professional, Tim Ponce-Spinsmith, about the matter.
“No mysteries there Elliot. If you want to keep selling cars that look like polished turds, you have to sell the sell the dream of a fantastic turd, one so polished and improbably handsome that its glow will lend a sheen of fantasticality across every turd in every showroom," Ponce-Spinsmith said.
“It is turd-selling ‘101’ my friend.”
And that’s the bum’s Rush for this week.
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