Mike Stevens | Jun 29, 2008

Those of us up-to-date with Top Gear (not those of us a year behind with the SBS-aired episodes) will know that episode 2 of season 11 will be airing in the UK overnight, so I thought I'd drop a few quotes to get you through until you can acquire the latest episode.

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts. Hell, mention the word "car" in almost any company, and the name Clarkson will inevitably pop up inside 60 seconds—whether it be male or female you're speaking with.

So pop on under the line and have yourself a giggle at one man's lateral mind.

"I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit

like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch."

"... the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician

stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air

saying there will be no war with Germany "

Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster: "It couldn't pull a greased

stick out of a pig's bottom"

On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: "there is a word to describe this car: it

begins with 's' and ends with 't' and it isn't soot

vauxhall-vectra-vxr

"The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an

Ethiopian transvestite"

"The air conditioning in a Lambo used to be an asthmatic sitting in the

dashboard blowing at you through a straw."

"Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More

comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?"

"This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers.

Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying 'Ooh good I've

got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.'"

"I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places

quicker than I do?"

Clarkson's highway code on cyclists: "Trespassers in the motorcars

domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on

the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be

an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong."

"Britain's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe...probably

because they don't have wheel-chair access."

"Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough

affordable cars on the show... so we'll kick off tonight with the

cheapest Ferrari of them all!"

ferrari-f430

On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire French air

force crashing into a firework factory."

"Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved...

for a murderer."

"I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animal's duty

to be on my plate at supper time."

"There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of

stitching... on their face."

"Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it if

you like, as a librarian with a G-string under her tweed pants. I do,

and it helps."

"You cannot have this car with a diesel. Its like saying, I won't go to

Stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lapdance, she's a

woman!"

"Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a

sportscar... in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the

equivalent of a President."

On the Porsche Cayenne: "Honestly, I have seen more attractive

gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with

gingivitis."

porsche-cayenne

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