By Gunnar Heinrich

CANADIAN Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau once said that living near the United States was, "like sleeping next to an elephant, you're affected by every twitch and grunt."

Operating in the same automotive market as BMW must feel much the same way for the world's automakers.

Germany's "Texans" - as ADL Director of Photography Jan Hering is fond of calling the Bavarians - know just how to chorale the cattle... er... I mean appeal to the world's car buyers. Year in and out, BMW manages to woo a wide variety of customers by mass producing highly capable, efficient, safe, driver friendly, swift luxury cars of near peerless build quality.

By setting this sterling standard, the marque has rightfully earned its prestige status in the eyes of the lusting consumer. That said, there is that one factor that turns off plenty of would-be buyers - the BMW image.

Plenty of car makers try to sell what we can call the "anti-BMW"; cars that perform well but don't come laden with a Clintonian level of controversial baggage.

The most successful of these marques is Audi, which is proving particularly adept at picking up conservative customers who want Teutonic performance while maintaining a low-key status on the road. The Brits, in particular, have found allure in Audi's chill offerings.

A resurgent, bling happy Cadillac seems to carry most of GM's money and blessings. Though, the no one exactly knows who the Cadillac man is today. Lord knows he's not your grandfather.

Jaguar, too, seems keen on taking on the Bavarians in aspects like technology and engineering that Coventry's cats have never, ever been known for. The marque's tactic seems to make all the sense of a ballerina reciting her softball batting averages at an audition.

All the while, the Lexus customer remains happily oblivious and prone to sign-it and forget-it leases.

Selling the anti-BMW is like attending alcoholic anonymous meetings and offering members crystal meth as a viable substitute. It enables the performance addiction while providing customers a high and dry (un)sanctimonious ground to look down on those who are choosing to stick with the original vice.

In other words, buying Audis is for quitters.

Years from now when we're all being shuffled from Quadrant A to Sector Z in robotic Honda pods, the world will likely know BMW and its eponymous driver as the stuff of rebellious lore. They'll remember reading about Bimmer folk and their lane weaving, tail-gating, gas-guzzling ways as the iconoclasts to a harmonious, stress-free world of travel.

All the other marques who pandered to the same buyers under humbler guises, will get second billing to an era of unrighteous performance.

Be well, John Spartan...

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• reply ” like !

  

  Bavarian Missile says,
  4 years ago

  Quote "the world will likely know BMW and its eponymous driver as the stuff of rebellious lore. They’ll remember reading about Bimmer folk and their lane weaving, tail-gating, gas-guzzling ways as the iconoclasts to a harmonious, stress-free world of travel."
  
  Ok whos been following me........not sure about the gas guzzling ways though.hahaha
• reply ” like !

  

  wheelnut says,
  4 years ago

  Is it BMW's Fault that the design of their cars is so distinctive and; unlike so many other modern cars have the performance to match the looks - the M3.
  
  And when you're paying so much for a performance car like a M3 youd want your car to standout a bit
• reply ” like !

  

  Daniel McCoey says,
  4 years ago

  While I agree with the sentiments of the writer (albeit romantic sentiments) it’s good to acknowledge that BMW wasn’t always cut from the same cloth that it adorns so beautifully today.
  
  
  Build quality of a 7 series from the mid 80's wasn’t exactly what I would call its strong point, and it was Mercedes-Benz that was without peer.
  
  
  Of course it’s all cyclic in the automotive industry; the question will be if BMW can maintain their lofty standards.
• reply ” like !

  

  Gunnar says,
  4 years ago

  Steane, you can have it! I'll take an '02 XJR instead
• reply ” like !

  

  Tony says,
  4 years ago

  "the world will likely know BMW and its eponymous driver as the stuff of rebellious lore."
  
  Wuh...? Maybe in the motoring journalist world, but the real world considers BMW drivers (especially 3 series) to be yuppies wanting to show the world how much wealth they're oozing out inbetween trips from cafe to boardroom. They probably don't have a clue what 'driving dynamics' are beyond a bullet point on the BMW advertising brochure.
• reply ” like !

  

  Bavarian Missile says,
  4 years ago

  I hope you don't think that about all BMW drivers Tony,Ive been a BMW lover for 20 years and keep going back to them because they do make great drivers cars not cause I'm interested in being a yuppy,I dont wear a suit or have an ear piece glued to my right ear.
  
  Im sure the same could be said about a lot of manufacturers and their makes,what does make people buy some makes? I like to think its great advertising,some comparison on other makes and awards,BMW has enough of those for their engines over the years.
  
  Some Toyota drivers think that anyone that buys an HSV or FPV product is a bogan ,yet if you drive a TuRD from Toyota that makes you what?
• reply ” like !

  

  Conquistador says,
  4 years ago

  I like some BMW's. I even like some BMW drivers... oh sure, they're hair maybe whiter than the pope's undies, their skin a delightfull shade of orange & they're foreheads are filled with enough toxins to down a wilderbeast.
  
  It is often hard to tell whether your getting a lamb or chewy old mutton.
  
  Thankfully there are still some telltale signs. Think of it as the human equivalent of tree rings just look at how many gold neclaces around their necks & if they put BA Baracus to "shame back the truck up"
• reply ” like !

  

  Bavarian Missile says,
  4 years ago

  hahaha...Conquistador......what sort of suburb do you live in to be seeing that array of BMW drivers ?
• reply ” like !

  

  JaredC says,
  4 years ago

  I reckon mostly the wannabe rich drive the 3 series BMWs or the old bombed out M3s…
  In my company, the truly rich (Earning atleast $300K a year) drive 40-60K cars, eg Mazda 6, Hondas, Nissans etc…