If there was ever an award for “Most Entertaining eBay Description”, our money would be on this brilliant display of literary genius from “daosplace”.

Put up to spruik his rather tired 1986 Honda CT110 (affectionately known across Australia as the “Postie Bike”), our good friend Dao makes no attempt to gloss over the thoroughly weathered and completely shagged motorcycle’s shortcomings.

Instead, rust holes have been “intentionally rusted-out for lighter weight”, the sticky throttle is “like cruise control” and the front fender sustained a hefty crack after Chuck Yeager allegedly used the bike to break the sound barrier at Bonneville.

There’s many more pearlers in Dao’s description of the little Honda, and it’s real side-splitting stuff. You can check out the auction page here, but for posterity’s sake we’ve copied it all below.

Up for auction is a racing edition Honda CT110 1986 model postie bike (race stand not included). This bike has been developed specifically for carpark and campsite racing by a team of engineers from all over the world. If you buy this bike, you will be awesome like the guys in the last picture. The bike also comes with another couple of kilos of awesome, you can keep this in your backpack for when you need more awesome to beat the other postie bikes.

The bike has a factory rubberless left-side footpeg, designed to help you get further to the front of the bike, to help with cornering.

It has a fore-and-aft gear lever, designed to prevent scuffing of your Doc Martens, or toenail breakage when wearing safety thongs.

The rust-hole in the rear guard underneath the seat has been intentionally rusted-out for lighter weight, helps you get the much-needed boost the clear the triples in Chad Reed’s SuperX series.

The front fender has a crack in it from a sonic boom, esteemed USA-born aeroplane pilot Chuck Yeager actually broke the sound barrier at Bonneville on this exact bike.

The bike has a heavy-duty crash bar mounted just in front of the rider’s legs, to prevent knee injuries to the rider when riding through your neighbour’s veggie garden. Many a knee has been saved from a zucchini-based ACL injury thanks to these crash bars.

The rear fender has been replaced with an aftermarket dirt bike rear fender, as the bike has so much power that the dirt it threw caused the stock rear fender to be blasted into the stratosphere.

The bike has a gearbox filler plug from a new YZ125 in it. This may or may not mean the bike will perform like a new YZ125.

The bike has no crossbar on the handlebars, making tricks such as cordovas and strippers much easier.

The ejector seat has been disconnected, as I accidentally hit the button on the back straight at Frankston motorcross track, and ended up at McDonalds in Bendigo.

The bike has a top speed of maybe 70kph. 70kph is 19.44 metres per second, so if you are sitting on absolutely flat-out awesome fast, you would do a lap of Phillip Island racetrack in 3 minutes 48 seconds, which is way cooler than Rossi doing it in 1 minute 29. This would mean you’d get three times as much television exposure per lap than Rossi would. Rossi’s got nothing.

It has a sidestand on the right-hand side, and a centre stand. The centre stand is very handy for putting the bike on display at the motor show.

This bike is no longer allowed to deliver letters, as it used to deliver letters so fast that the mail would get to the recipient before it had actually been posted by the sender, causing all sorts of strife at Christmas time. Seriously, who wants Christmas cards in November?

The headlight doesn’t work any more, which is a good thing because it was so bright that I rode a corner once and set fire to a cat with it.

The engine works good, the brakes not so much.

The rack on the back has been rated to accomodate at least 3 slabs of full-strength beer, or 4 slabs of light beer. You could possibly stack maybe 12 casks of Kaiser Stuhl on it, if you are keen. I heard that Matt Edwards, Australian Tetris champion has actually stacked a grand total of 142 boxes of Kleenex tissues onto this rack, and still had room for a pack of Winnie Blues and a bottle of 100 Pipers scotch.

It has a picture of a handgrip on the sidecover, and I don’t know why.

The throttle sticks a little bit, it’s like cruise control.

Usually tyres are filled with air, some race teams use nitrogen, whereas these tyres are filled with a 70/30 mix of awesome and luck.

The chain is awesome.

For those wondering, the bike has already been sold for the princely sum of $305 Australian dollars. That’s a bargain price for something that can hurl dirt into the stratosphere, carry three slabs of full-strength beer (or four slabs of light beer) and immolate cats with its single headlight.

For added chuckles, here’s some of the questions posed to Dao by prospective buyers, along with his answers. Hilarious.

Q: Hey man, I think that bike is responsible for delivering 10 years worth of mail from the 90s addressed to me, 15 years before I was born. Can you imagine the surprise on my parents’ faces? 13-Mar-09
A: I think the surprised look probably turned to horror when the bike ripped up the pavement as it burned off down the road.

Q: How many awesomes does it get on the dyno? I’ll also need a revs check and get my mate to give it a once over. Looks pretty straight though! 13-Mar-09
A: Straighter than that guy at the bus stop that wears the flannel shirt, I’ll tell you that.

Q: If it’s true that the awesomeness of this machine knows no bounds, can’t it ship itself? It ISSS a postie bike afterall. P.S. I like monkeys. 13-Mar-09
A: Touché!

Q: My smelly uncouth neighbor rides a Harley and naturally since buying it he has progressed from eternal virgin all the way to God like chick magnet. Will I reach the same depths of depravity if I were to ride a motorcycle of such awesomeness that you are offering here? Regards, Citizen Fred. 13-Mar-09
A: This postie bike uses a Harley engine as a starter motor.

Q: Obviousely this bike is super awesome fast but i was wondering if there was a rece between the bike and Chuck Norris, who would win? Cause i’ve heard that Chuch is so fast he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head. 13-Mar-09
A: If Chuck Norris and the bike were to shake hands, it would be like that scene in the movie Southland Tales when Stifler shakes hands with himself and the van flies up in the sky and explodes. If Chuck Norris ever meets this bike, let’s just hope it isn’t in the back of a van.

Q: G’day, i have a history of fully dodgy shoulders, do you think that the hardcore sickness of this weapon would pull out my shoulders when i twist the gas? If its far too fully sick for me can i return it? 13-Mar-09
A: If you try to ride this bike, it’ll rip your arms clean off and hit you in the eyes with the soggy ends.

Q: Good afternoon son. Being an older gentleman,I think I owned this ‘Lady Killer’ when I was a youngster. Now old age and weak bladder would make it difficult to balance.(I mean at standstill,not brave enough to actually ride it now).I recall how the fillies would hang around me in awe ,and I would appreciate being advised of the buyer;because he must be a real stud.Actually my honest thoughts are that no young fella could handle all the sweet ladies that will follow this autocycle in a trance.Perhaps you might pass on my details to new owner so he can cast off some female followers my way.(I will stock up on Viagra in anticipation) .I am getting exited about the prospects…..maybe don’t need Viagra now. I might go and rock the ol gals rockin chair to see if she will fire up. AFTER ALL….SHE DID MAKE OUT WITH THE LOCAL POSTIE,so if I turn up on a hotter machine than his;she may recipricate,or at least throw a leg over. Phew, I’m exhausted now ,so hold the tarts. Thanx .Old Timer. 13-Mar-09
A: Your local postie looks like Burt Reynolds after a car accident.

Q: Mate I got no money but would you swap it for a packet of Tim Tams (the good ones not the cheepie plain Tams) and a pair of Casey Stoner’s used underpants? Genuine bro. 13-Mar-09
A: How used?

Q: Dao, It was the summer of ‘82 i had a whirlwind romance with a postie bike, just thinking of it brings fond memories and a tear to my eye. We spent every day together. We touched each in a way i’ve never touched anything before, but it turned colder - that’s where it ends, So I told her we’d still be friends Then we made our true love vow Wonder what she’s doing now Summer dreams ripped at the seams, bu-ut oh, those su-ummer nights…. I lost my virginity to that bike, and i wonder could it be my long lost son? 13-Mar-09
A: No way that a bike this awesome would be the offspring of some guy who wears a dress out to clubs.

Q: Can you tell me if it has been dropped? 12-Mar-09
A: No girl would be willing to drop this sexy beast, no matter how much it stays out partying late and coming home smelling like another girl’s perfume.

Q: Has it got bulk herbs? 12-Mar-09
A: Mega herbs bro.

Q: hello does it come with chuck yeagers autograph? i rather suspect that that would substantially increase the value of this “rare collectable” yes i know what the picture of the throttle on the side cover means but i am not going to tell you because im not well today 12-Mar-09
A: I think I better consult the head Quik-E-Mart store that Homer and Apu visited…I think they’ll help me with the information regarding the throttle picture. Thankyou, please come again.

Q: Hi. Can you please tell me what the awesomeness economy is like. I had a postie in the past but because I could not keep up the required awesomeness to keep it running so had to sell it to Robbie Maddo’ 12-Mar-09
A: It gets about 32 miles per awesome, more if you hold your tongue on the right angle.

Q: Hi mate, This beast is off its face! Can you gaurantee that if I blip the throttle that she wont flip me off and ghostie itself into the nex suburb? If so I will need to up grade from Safety thongs too at least some Sandles. 12-Mar-09
A: Sandals would be a good safety option, but if you wear Crocs the bike will deliberately ride under a throat-height monkey bar in the nearest playground.

Q: I think i saw this bike once. It was so deadly I went blind. Is this the same bike as i cannot see it now because of the blindness it caused me. If i buy this bike can i ride it in reverse really fast to go back in time to restore my sight? Help me see again. 12-Mar-09
A: Sorry man, the bike only performs faith-healing for $4.95 a minute, rates may be higher from public and mobile telephones.

Q: Hey Dao, Could you please let me know the cubic measurements of the awesomeness as im trying find out the shipping costs also you claim that it could deliver mail a month too early does this make it possible to use this postie a time machine, does it run on normal unleaded or depleted uranium?? Thanks 12-Mar-09
A: It runs on a mixture of discarded toilet paper and faith.

Q: It appears your claims to awesomeness are well founded. Please, may I ask if you happened to “test-spin” the rear wheel at about 2.15pm today, as I felt that time stood still around then for about 20 seconds? PS with regards to advice about Occy straps from retinas to handlebars, they do have a tendency to let go rather violently when released, and that might be a little bit rough on your handlebars, FWIW… 12-Mar-09
A: At the time I ‘test-spun’ the rear wheel, twelve moose on exactly the opposite side of the world from me spontaneously exploded. The mess was horrendous.

Q: You say you landed in McDonalds in Bendigo after you operated the ejector seat, so do fries come with it? 12-Mar-09
A: Nah man, my wallet was in the pink basket on the handlebars, not in my pocket. I’ve taken the pink basket off the bike now, I need it for a ‘project’.

: Would you be willing to trade this bike for two weeks worth of sex with my horse? I will bring you the horse myself. 12-Mar-09
A: Is the horse’s name Kinky Kelly? I’ll gladly be the sexy stud.

Q: Does the bike have enough room to fit a bell on it? I need a bike with a bell. Ding Ding.. 11-Mar-09
A: There is enough room on these handlebars to fit at least 15 bells. If you really feel like it, you could tow the bell from the Vatican City behind the bike on a trailer.

Q: Oh sure, you’re machine is obviously and indeed, quite awesome. However, I see a great many bikes advertised here also claiming stratospheric degrees of awesomeness. Some more optimistic and sadly, less honest than others. Do you have any certificate, chart, written testimony or a more, I don’t know… tangible measure as to the precise awesomeness of this machine? I mean, I don’t want to be handing over tens of thousands of dollars, only to find that the degree of awesomeness is actually less than expected now, do I? 11-Mar-09
A: This bike actually wrote the screenplay for the movie Donnie Darko. Need any more convincing?

Q: hey thanks, you’ve made my day. do you reckon you could package this into a shiping container and drop it of at atlantis for me? 11-Mar-09
A: Yeah man I could easily drop it off there, my mate Plato has an apartment there that you could pick it up from.

Q: Hey mate just wondering if you have a super awesome helmet to go with the bike, we a re just worried about whiplash! Eyeballs turning back in there sockets and the g force look! How many slabs per kilometre does the bike run on and can i recycle the fuel and drink it if im thirsty.. also do i get a years free subscription of awesomeness! Debbie 11-Mar-09
A: If you buy this, I’ll transfer the remainder of my 24-month awesomeness susbcription across to you. You can also simply hook some octopus straps between your retinas and the handlebars, to prevent eye-roll.

Q: Nice description. Did you enter the hardcore postie challenge, the regualar one or none at all on it? Does it do wheel spins big enough for chicks to get boners? Thanks, Richard. 10-Mar-09
A: Yo! No I didn’t enter the hardcore postie challenge, my bike is too awesome for that. When the wheels spin, it actually rotates the earth in the opposite direction under you.