Tim O'Brien | Dec 19, 2008

'Tis the time, friends, to forget about that git at work that you've been promising you'll choke the livin' shit out of one day; time to forget about the nobs, the cock-up experts, the middle managers who can't manage, that tool who sticks his head in the door to ask you to do three things at once as if you're a flamin' octopus, time to forget about all that... because it's time to clock-off and think happy thoughts.

It's the festive season.

It's time to, one: find a good tree to sit under (and take a well-deserved nip of Bourbon); two: whip out the hot-plate (better take another nip about now); three: whip up some scorched prandials, (yup, a couple more nips needed here); four: deal with a couple of frosties (now c'mon, you can't be sucking on a tin without a nip or two)... and so forth and fifth.

This little process forms steps one through four of The Dirk's Ten Easy Steps To Nirvana - A Layman's Guide.

Now I take it you can see where we're heading here friends. Get through all ten steps and those things that may once have resembled sausages and the accompanying blackened accoutrements are freakin' delicious. Even the coleslaw, which now seems to be sporting black, nutty things that someone said were cloves but you've got a sneaking suspicion are blowies, yep, it's sensational, about the best coleslaw you've ever had. And the neighbour's wife, crikey moses, what a dish...

Things are always a tad more erratic the next day. That's when you've got to wrestle the family into the stationwagon – the 'Mothership Enterprise' – back it over the fishing rods, blow-up at the nearest seed of your loins for not telling you the rods were there, forget to pack those old towels you put aside for when the dog farts (instantly setting the cave rats off on a bit of projectile vomiting into the back of your head-rest), put the trail bikes on the trailer and head for the hills.

Ah yes, the festive season followed by the family holiday season friends. Ain't it something?

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Now on the matter of trail bikes: isn't it time you got rid of the old Montessa? What you need is a family pair of modern bikes. (Then you can repair some of the damage you've done to familial relationships just getting them to the holiday destination.)

What you need is something like Suzuki's 2009 DR-Z400E and DR-Z250. Both are now available; the Z400E for your wider arse, and the Z250 for the cave rats. And both are fully street-legal and eligible for the Learner Approved Motorcycle Scheme (LAMS) in Victoria, New South Wales, Tasmania, Northern Territory, A.C.T. and South Australia.

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Best news for those suffering the old 'yuletide collapsed wallet syndrome' is that every Suzuki DR-Z400E and DR-Z250 purchased and delivered before the end of 2008 will come with $400 (inc GST) cash back from Suzuki.

The 2009 DR-Z400E is available for $8,890 (plus dealer delivery and Government theft charges); the DR-Z250 retailing for $7,090 (plus, ditto).

Ride free friends. The Dirk.

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